a quote from the african american rapper Yo Gotti from his song "Toss That Bitch"
Toss that hoe Toss that bitch I can't believe all y'all niggas out here buyin these hoes Need to imitate Gotti start lyin to these hoes Tossin these hoes Never ever flossin these hoes You know how it go
now, mr sharpton... you racist bastard...
why would you expect Don Imus to apologize to you on your radio show? for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team a bunch of nappy headed hoes?
mr al sharpton, pointing that fat fucking finger at who? don imus? why not yo gotti?
are you trying to say that white men have to respect black women, even though black men do not?
how about this mr sharpton... since we are omn the subject of apologies...
remember Steven Pagones?
in 1987 you accused this man of kidnapping raping and beating a 15 year old african american girl
the girl, her last name was brawley, accused "two to six men, one wearing a badge" of kidnapping continually raping, and after dumbing her in a forest, using dog feces to write off-color remarks on her body
the problem was... there was no evidence of rape, no evidence that pagones even touched the girl
oh and did i mention that she later admitted to making the story up, rubbing dog shit on herself and trying to cover up a few days of partying from her father by accusing a face-less person of doing these acts to her?
but al sharpton, when your support of the case was shot down by a non-guilty verdict, and after you accused one of the judges for masterbating to the crime scene photos, which was also false... who did you apologize to?'
in 1998 you were slapped with heavy fines for defaming steven pagones, but were not forced to apologize?
so why arent you walking over to stevn pagones' family, his friends, his old co-workers because you made him lose his job, his parents and his children and apologizing to them because you accused this man of being a racist rapist, when you sir had no evidence whatsoever of these supposed crimes?
why? because we live in this country called america who is hell bent on being right, hell bent on starting fights and hell bent on keeping information away from the public, like the fact that information about wmd's was false, the connection between anthrax and terrorists in the middle east was false, and the information that iraq or aran was harboring terrorists from the united states, was, false!
so bware citizens of other countries... be nice to al sharpton or he will call you a racist be nice to america or we will unleash our wrath of democracy on you, which will leave hundreds dead a day and be nice to quinn or else he will bitch and complain about you on the internet!
I have returned to El Paso... Currently I am trying to finish my semester at UTEP I didn't want to do this, but it was my choice I was actually finding a niche there in Colorado I had a cool roommate, steady friends who laughed at my jokes and i could count on for company I was taking more than a full load, Honors classes and snowboarding I was rockclimbing in the gym staying in shape I complained, but who doesn't I came home, to make a long story short... to help out my family So i made the choice, but when i have to stand there and tell people "I came back" the last thing i want them to think is that i couldnt hack it didnt like it didnt survive i did what i could and im doing now what i feel i have to do i want to crawl in a hole i dont even want to see anyone back home 24 hours ago i was reading a Sociology book and doing my Statistics homework, in a day i dropped out of school packed up my apartment, and drove 12 hours home, on a prayer that i would not waste an entire semester because of this, i havent slept in almost 3 days now, i havent even had the time, at least i showered and ate, my stomach hates me from the overkill of redbull and coffee but family comes first, for the record i dont like any of you, for the record i left for a reason you know and finally when i smiled my life's vicious cycle of leaving and returning kicked in Im still going to san antonio in the fall, this doesnt change that... only that i wont get in the honors program at UTEP and well, that will change alot so there my dreams came true and shortly after my worst nightmare i became something i hate "someone who came back" this is for the record so dont smile at me, dont ask me to hang out, and dont expect it now that im here, i didnt come for you, hell i didnt even come for me
December has always been my favorite... January and February have always been a little rough for some reason i guess it's that whole holiday spirit thing that really gets to me, i love finding that perfect gift to give whether it's big or small and who doesn't like receiving them yourself i like all the hustle and bustle even though i always say i need a break i like the cold weather and the chance of snow in el paso i like new years and christmas and spending it with who you love, and everyone eating and drinking and laughing and just getting along because we ared all there for the same reason.. it's nice that i dont have to worry about some big tragedy in late winter like there always seems to be christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat haha i can't wait to go home and hang out with all those crazy people who are always in and out of my house, and to see my crazy family, and jenny's family who i am absolutely in love with and snow trips, and shopping, and food, and the desert sky and just everything that i ran away from way too fast there will be drama, there will be tears, there will be that day we all have to leave again, but there will be more smiles and more laughing and more holding and loving than ever before and thats what we can old on too
9 years ago... on this day this crazy thing happened it changed my entire life it feels weird to start asking... what if.. how would things be different... i wonder if i hadn't... it takes the breath out of me i wonder if we all just remember .. ..and know... and think about it but don't say anything to each other maybe it's just easier that way or maybe we just forget... definitely easier that way
so i take a quick break i've been reading about 200 pages every other day in pursuit of some glorified honors degree, which at times scares me
i just bought a new car, not new, its a 2004 toyota corolla sport edition, white, got like 20k miles on it, practically new
as you may or may not know i totalled my car about the third week i was in colorado... everything was ok except well, the illegal aliens who were involved in the accident took off and well, i didnt get in that much trouble and my insurance came through and well, now i have a few hours of work to do and a new car
im going down to san antonio in a few days to go spend the weekend with jenny... i am looking forward to it highly... and if you told me i would be in a completely stable, loving, wonderful relationship (long distance at THAT) a year ago, i would have said you were crazy...
im going to el paso the following weekend to pick up my car and drive it up to colorado with my little sister, have a little fun on the way
shits really turned around...the criminal justice program here kicks my ass, im happy even though i miss jenny and i miss my mom and brother and sister and dog and cat and bed (oh and doris).... (in that order)
i mean i hit a few rough patches... the whole accident... and a close friend of mine passed away way way way too soon, and you kno what, i wouldnt be alive if it werent for his giant heart, so as much as it means to whoever, thanks bro, thanks for the place to stay when i was way too wet, way too fucked up, way too cold, and way too young to realize people like you save the world
and well then, there is my dad...but man im not getting into that, for a while!
umm...college life is, meh, i mean, im probably heading down one of those roads i took a while ago, but i mean it go me here so it cant be all that bad, even if i wanted to i wouldnt have time to be a crazy kid, but i think im going to be pretty glad i havent been
but i mean, ive said it before and il say it again
life is just a bunch of fighting and leaving and it hurts like hell, but its life, and its all weve got, and if it didnt hurt than it wasnt real
i fought i left it hurt but i lived
i know i cry and i know i complain and i know i scream and i know i know i love it, and i know its gonna be so much better
so that was my break, my break from reading and studying and school and everything, politics and cleaning and complaining
you fucked up kid man did you fuck up this time y'know those people that say "yhindsight is always 20/20" ya remember how you used to tell them to fuck off and move on? ya well you're one of those people so quit sitting there and saying " i should have" and "only if" "no regrets" your famous last words, remember kid? and all at once it comes crashing down and now what do you have? echos and footprints scars and memories at least you still have forever but how far exactly is that? you realize you fucked up more and more everytime you sit there like this so why do you keep doing it why god who knows let those things go quit pondering on your own and other peoples mistakes havent you fought the unchangeable one too many times thats the name of your game isnt it save the unsavable fix the cracked glass people what are you doing wrong? remember hamlet, you are such a nerd but do it "nothing is good or bad that thinking does not make it so" might pay off to listen to that once in a while huh kid smile or something once in a while
Its that moment that the engines rev to a constant purr, and the clouds start passing by the windows and you see the tips of the mountains that it all finally hits me for the big one. "Don't cry Quinny." with a giggle she added, "can't show weakness in front of my dad,” as she mumbled into the front of my shirt, I chuckled back and gave her a kiss on the forehead. In actuality, I didn't care if he saw Niagara Falls pour from what had become dark green dams over the past few weeks. The plane takes a small dip to the right and I can see the patches of land like a quilt right out the little circular window. I hated leaving, I hated it so much. Last year I wrote an entire rant that I entitled "for fighting and leaving." I fight to leave, I leave for fighting, and then I fight fight fight after the fact and realize the fight I fought wasn't even worth fighting. For one, I can't fight family, no matter how far away I get from them I will never escape their loving arms and helpful words (this was evident in the amount of caring words and the lack of scorn I received after totaling my car 1000 miles away from anyone I knew, because I had made a mistake, and probably scared the piss out of anyone who heard about what happened, a week prior). And no matter how far away they were from me I missed them. I missed my brother being a jerk, my sister being a pest, the dog pissing on the carpet and the cats attacking my feet when I tried to sleep. Also, I couldn't fight my heart. After everything was set and ready and my mind had finally completed its 18 year fight to go to school far far away, I fell in love with a girl who had walked into the same places, done the same things and whom I missed in passing about a dozen times in my life. We were always about a minute late and buck short when it came to finding each other in the years before we finally did. She was a magnet to my eye the minute I saw her, athletic, smart, beautiful, pretty hair, big eyes, freckles and she laughed at my jokes and humored my attempts. Finally coming to a point in our lives when we felt it was ok to fall towards each other and instantly trusting one another to catch in mid-fall, we ran hand in hand as fast as we could. When she was by my side I had come to the conclusion that I had wasted no time at all. Our first summer was flawless, we ate, we danced, we sang, we laughed and cried, we held and pushed and cheered all together. We did everything we could; the summer could have lasted forever. All of a sudden it was hours before she left and we were sitting wrapped in each other as we had so many times before. I looked in her eyes and held back the tears in mine, and realized I was ready to enter a battle with time and distance that would rival some of the hardest things I had ever done. To say it would be so hard to do this, might have been taken wrong by some, but anyone who really knew us, knew exactly what I meant. Hard, yes, why? Because my heart doesn't even beat when its 1000 miles away. It floats in my chest and waits and assists my lungs force air in and out in a quiet attempt to pass the time, the minutes, the days the weeks until it was reunited with itself. Emotions where nearly drained by midmorning, when the dream of laying in bed with her had been interrupted with a bitter cold, an emptiness I have never felt in my life. The attendant comes by with a beverage and I quietly choke out a random answer so that she will quickly pass. My mind hurriedly re-jumbles the pictures of smiles and the memories of tears and heavy breathing, of quietly sobbing on each other’s shoulder. This battle we had decided to embark on together, would destroy any typical couple. We where hardly typical. In the first few weeks of knowing each other we had already agreed on having beautiful green-eyed babies. In the first few months, she had shown me how to live life from a different perspective, she had taught me how to smile and not just to laugh. By Christmas, we were agreeing with each other on the rules by which to play the game of a long-distance relationship, hardly realizing it was the game we would be playing together in a few months. By March, we had cracked so many "run away and marry me" jokes, on top of the half-hearted flirting that it was only natural to run to each other when things started cracking and crumbling. By April she was at a family birthday party, in May I was on her grandparent's fridge, by June we had already decided the whole world would be jealous of what we had together, by July she had made my dad laugh, and by August she had become the first person I had been so close to, trusted and wanted more and more everyday. The captain's intercom dings but I quickly choose to ignore the announcement. It was now September and I have never been to emotionally mentally and physically close to someone in my entire life. Everything I am and everything I ever was, I was perfectly content with when I looked into her eyes because despite the downs and despite the missed opportunities and the bad choices, I had her now and that's what mattered. I could never compare her to anyone I have ever met in my entire life because the comparison just isn't there, she is so far above anyone that to compare her would be a waste of time. She took the cake, she took my heart, and she had it until we could be reunited again. The bit of turbulence as we descend into Denver is a jerking reminder that I am 1000 miles away (1027, I counted) from that person and it hurts like hell.
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q_paltrow's journal
chipper
sick